"I Will Always Love You" - Dolly Parton (1974)

We all know the song. Many of us heard it the first time via Whitney Houston's amazing version from the soundtrack to "The Bodyguard," in 1992. I never saw that movie, yet I still remember hearing Whitney's version when it blew up the charts, and how powerful a song it was. It was a long, long time before I learned it was originally written and recorded by Dolly. We didn't have the internet in the early '90s. Plus, at that time I was fully immersed in being a little goth skater punk. Even though the Whitney version was mind blowing, there was no way I was going to let anyone know how much I loved it.

One thing that has stuck with me since the first time I heard Dolly's original version of this song is how, unlike many cover songs, I actually had an equally intense reaction and admiration for both versions. Whitney's version is powerful in her intensity, a commanding performance from one of the most incredible voices of my lifetime. Dolly's version is powerful in her vulnerability. Her voice doesn't have the sheer force that Whitney's had. Yet, there's no denying that Dolly's version hits me in ways that Whitney's version doesn't.

The delivery of the third verse is what does it, for me. In the Whitney version, everything before it has built up to her delivery of the third verse, which in turn builds to the amazing explosion of the chorus after that verse. Dolly's delivery of the third verse and ensuing chorus is the exact opposite. It's the most stripped verse of the song, more spoken than sung, and it feels so brutal, both for the person saying it and the person it is being said to.

August 21, 2021 ... I started this post between a year and a half, and two years ago, and had intended to write about my ex wife, and how she will always be special and hold a huge place in my heart. The last time I even edited it was September 24, 2020.

I know now why I was having such a hard time writing it: I was writing about the wrong person.

I have this friend...

She is incredible on every single level. Her eyes are hypnotic. Her smile is so incredible and instantly lights up a room, as does her laugh. She even sneezes all cute. It's ridiculous.

I made a mistake with her... I fell in love.

We have had the discussion. It isn't likely to ever happen between us. Yet, I still feel this way. Every time we talk, which is now actually far more often than ever before, I fall more in love with her. And then I want to rip my heart out and throw it at a wall, because it's so painful to keep falling for her. She is only the second person who has been the epicenter of jealous feelings in me. Ever. I still keep falling in love harder. Every day.

The worst thing right now is that I absolutely love and adore her boyfriend. He is one of the coolest guys I've ever met, and for someone that doesn't find men attractive, I actually find him attractive, which in itself is a really huge mind fuck for me. It is so adorable how much he fawns over her, and it makes me happy that they seem to make each other very happy. Obviously I am not privy to their private conversations, so I can't say they're giddy together all the time... when we are all talking together online, and when we were all in person for the first time they are/were both so just... HAPPY.

And then you have my dumb ass, getting in the way, with my dumb fucking feelings.

They are both too polite and loving toward me to say that my behavior when we were all at her house was less than great. I was a mess for three days, and a complete asshole for a few hours in particular, yet they are both just far too amazing to call me out on my bullshit. Which just makes me love them both even more.

So... I simply have to get my head and heart to shut the hell up. I need to stop feeling jealous and feel happy for two people who I adore and who mean the world to me.

I WILL get there. It's going to take some time but I will get there. I have to. I can't keep falling in love with her and have it keep affecting how I interact with them, and with myself. I can't keep breaking down and crying over this, at least four times a week.

What I can, and will, do, is always love her. And him. They are in my life, and my heart, for whatever time is left in my life. They are family, and I will always love them.

Forever.