Scars On 45

Every single word that you say

Every little thing that you do

Hits like a hurricane

When I'm secretly crazy for you

- "Crazy For You" - Scars On 45

There is an amazing radio station in Akron that I have been listening to since I first found it in high school. 91.3 The Summit is a rarity in radio these days. There are no commercials, with the station being funded entirely by donations from listeners. This gives them the freedom to play music that is rarely if ever played on commercial stations. Over the years, listening to this station has helped me discover bands and singers like The Clarks, Ingrid Michaelson, Maggie Rogers, Bishop Briggs, Joseph, The Vindys, and Scars On 45.

The first song by Scars On 45 that I remember hearing was "Give Me Something." It is a song that I connected with instantly. The longing and regret in the lyrics resonated deep within me. It instantly became one of those songs I would crank up while driving every single time it came on. There is a lot of pain in the lyrics, yet it is so incredibly fun to listen to.

"Take You Home" was the next Scars On 45 song that I felt a strong love for right away. It is thematically so incredibly different from "Give Me Something." Instead of the pain of longing for someone you can't have, it's a song of pure love, hope, and friendship. This song really, really helped me through some dark times in my life. It gave me that hope that I needed, to remember to reach out to people when I needed help. It reminded me that I do have friends that I would do anything for, and who would do anything for me. Over the past five years, with my mental health issues, that has been proven on many, many occasions.

And let's face it, that's just a fun video.

"Change My Needs" is a song that took a while to grow on me, and I'm not really sure why. It's a really beautiful song, and deceptively painful. Aimee Driver, who usually sings backing vocals or, as on "Take You Home," sings duets with lead singer Danny Bemrose, sang this song alone, one of a very small handful of times she has done so. Her voice is very calming in general, and specifically on "Change My Needs."

I think maybe part of why this song took so long to grow on me is because there are a couple lines that are a little cheesy, and a couple that are somewhat cliche. There are other lines, though, that helped turn this into one of my favorites by them, such as:

You say that love is blind and I'm the one that restored your sight. The girl who never knows, I'm the girl who never knows.

I have definitely felt like "the girl who never knows" many times in my life.

"Golden" is one of those songs that I feel like I could have written parts of.

I can be what you want me to be.

I can act how you need me to act...

I can play what you want me to play.

I can lose when you need me to lose.

I sincerely hope your love won't fade away...

The ways I have changed myself to make others happy throughout my life are far too many to count. Work a job I hate, give up friends, give up hobbies - or even dreams - all to make someone else happy? Yep, that's me. Not always, sure. Often enough, though, that for over a decade following high school, I had changed so many times that I really didn't have a clue who I was at times, especially during my first engagement. There are still times I catch myself giving up me to make someone else happy.

I've gotten much better at catching and stopping that from happening though, because, well, look at the last line I quoted from this song - I sincerely hope your love won't fade away. Not "our" love, but "your" love. When I love someone, truly deeply love them, it's with my whole being, and my biggest, most absolute, consuming fear, is that they will stop loving me back. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic or platonic relationship. I mean, I have known my best friend for over thirty years now, and if she ever stopped loving me...

Like "Give Me Something" and "Take You Home," one of the other Scars songs that I heard on the radio a lot is "Heart On Fire." It's also another one that helps me when I'm feeling alone and undesired. This song, to me, helps show how absurd those thoughts can be.

The logical part of my brain knows I'm not undesirable, yet... it's a feeling I fight with quite often, especially the last year or so. There are times when I let that feeling completely overwhelm me. And there are plenty of times when I feel so lonely that I can't imagine anyone caring about me in any way. This song helps fight those feelings, because of the chorus:

When you're standing on your own And you feel you've got nobody round you Yeah you know I'll be the one who helps you from your knees

I know I'm not alone. I know there are people who will help me, or who will encourage me to stand up and be strong, when every instinct in me is to lay down and give up.

The one Scars On 45 song that has meant more to me than any other is "Crazy For You".

I've tried to declare how I feel

Through flowers and cards

Surrounded in mystery

I have a notebook with almost a hundred poems I wrote in high school. Every one of them was written for someone. Out of all the girls I wrote poems for, there was only one I ever had the courage to actually show the poems I wrote for her. The rest never knew, and never will.

When it comes to love, short of losing a lover, is there anything more painful than not being able to tell someone how you feel about them? That feeling is really what this song is about, hidden under a really upbeat track. Kinda describes how I've felt so many times in the past, and how I feel now, to be honest.

I only wish I had someone to tell

But I'm still confined by the walls that I build myself

I still confine myself in self made walls when it comes to love. More so now than ever, actually. There's someone right now who completely owns my heart. It's not the right time to tell her. Even when the time is right, I doubt I will have the courage to say anything.

A few years ago I was finally in a place financially to become a donor to that radio station I mentioned earlier. One of the perks of being a donor is the ability to attend private donors-only concerts. I've only had the chance to attend two.

The first was in April 2017. I had only been out for a couple months at that point, and had never been to a concert as a woman. When the opportunity presented itself to see Scars On 45 at Musica, a small concert club in Akron, I jumped on it. That it was a free, donors-only concert presented by 91.3 was a bonus.

The show was absolutely amazing. Musica is one of the smallest spots I've ever seen a concert in, only able to hold about 200-250 people. Scars were fantastic from the time they took the stage until they finished nearly two hours later. I spent the majority of the concert in the shadows, feeling insecure in my dress and makeup. (I feel the insecurity about the makeup was justified, can't lie.)

After the show, the members of the band actually manned their own merchandise table. While buying a t-shirt (which I'm wearing right now as I type this, actually) I was able to say hello to Danny and the keyboardist, David Nowakowski, aka Nova. Aimee was at the end of the table talking to one of the DJs from the station. When they finished talking, I approached Aimee and did something I've never done any other time - I asked for a picture.

To date, this is the only picture I've ever taken with a celebrity.

About five months later, I went to the other concert that I was able to attend courtesy of 91.3. It was a much smaller show, and I actually had to pay for it. $35 to be part of the tiniest crowd I've ever been a part of? Worth every dime. The show was in the basement of a coffee shop in Akron. Counting me, the audience was about 15 people. The band?

Scars On 45.

This time I sat right up front - not that there would have been anywhere to hide. Aimee was right in front of me the entire time. The show was even more incredible than the show at Musica. They played their second album in its entirety, as well as almost half the first album, and debuted three songs from their third album. They told stories about how certain songs were written and recorded, joked with the audience, played a couple cover songs (thier version of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" is amazing)... it was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had.

After the show, Aimee was again running the (much smaller) merchandise stand. I went up to say hi, and she gave me the biggest hug. We chatted for a few minutes, and as much as I would have loved to chat with her for hours, I had to leave for a birthday party.

When I got outside, I ran into Nova, who was loading equipment into their rented van. He also hugged me, and actually remembered my name from when we'd met earlier that year. We also ended up talking for a few minutes. Every part of me wished I could have stayed longer, as the band was going to hang out at the coffee shop and chat with whoever felt like hanging out. Damn obligations.

Scars On 45 is and will forever be an extraordinarily important band in my life. Not only has their music helped me get through some of the hardest points of the last three years, they're also always going to be the first two concerts I ever attended as me.

Every single word that you say

Every little thing that you do

Hits like a hurricane

When I'm secretly crazy for you