"Your Song" - Elton John (1970)

I wasn't going to write about this song. In fact, I am listening to it right now for the first time in about two and a half years. Things change.

When my ex wife and I got married, this was the song we danced to. My dad owned a bar at the time and had karaoke every Friday and Saturday. One of the regulars was a Frank Sinatra impersonator, who had an absolutely amazing voice, and he sang this for us at the reception. I still remember that afterward, he said he was worried about forgetting the words, and he would look out at us dancing and singing along, and, well, he did a wonderful job and didn't forget any words.

"Your Song" was clearly not some wildly popular song in 2006, it was simply a song we both loved, and felt rather strong about. I wish I still had good feelings about it.

My ex and I met in February 2005. The first time we met in person, we watched the qualifying races for the Daytona 500. The following week we went to my dad's bar to watch the race, and my stupid ass got embarrassingly drunk (shocker) and told her I loved her. She was justifiably pissed at me. Somehow, though, she wasn't scared away, and stuck with me. In June I moved in with her. On her birthday in November, I proposed. The following year, November 4, 2006, we were married.

She loved me with everything she had. She was - is - beautiful, and happy, and full of love. And she was the one thing I couldn't be with her - honest. I was still hiding the person inside me.

There are many, many things I regret in life. Hiding myself from the woman who loved me with all of herself tops that list.

Of course, I was hiding from myself, too. I was in denial for so long about being transgender. It was over 25 years that I spent fighting the feelings inside myself, denying the woman screaming to escape. Silencing her.

I know that when I came out, I hurt her a lot, and it took me a long time to admit that and apologize to her. There were a lot of other times I hurt her that I probably never did apologize for. I will, though. I owe her that much.

Once we made the decision to end our marriage, I stopped listening to this song. I couldn't hear it. On the rare occasions I would listen to the radio instead of Spotify while driving, if this came on I would completely shut the radio off and drive in silence. A song that had once meant so much to me had become physically painful to listen to.

Listening to it right now, as I'm writing this...

It's still painful. I won't pretend it's not. Maybe in a few years I'll be able to enjoy it again. Maybe not. Either way, for good or ill, it's one of the single most important songs in my life. It will always bring back memories of our wedding day, but... that's not really a bad thing. It was a pretty amazing day.

I only wish I had been courageous enough to be myself for her.