"Transgender Dysphoria Blues" - Against Me! (2013)

Yesterday, January 5th, was the three year anniversary of when I came out as transgender to, well, the world. I had come out to my parents and sisters about two weeks before, and my then-wife's family on Christmas day. It's so bizarre to me that it's only been three years that I've been able to live as my true self. It's also still really difficult to deal with at times, which is why I chose this song to talk about.

So, background. Laura Jane Grace, lead singer of Against Me!, came out as transgender in May 2012. This album (also called Transgender Dysphoria Blues) was the first released after she came out, and has generally been described as her musical autobiography. This is the opening track on the album, and really kicks it off with a punch in the face. It is a song I listen to a lot when I am feeling dysphoric, which has been happening more and more frequently lately.

The intro to "Transgender Dysphoria Blues" lets you know right away that there will be no "softly talking around the subject" about to happen. The drums have a small solo intro (which reminds me a bit of the intro to "Ballroom Blitz") before the guitars explode into existence. Really great intro.

Your tells are so obvious

Shoulders too broad for a girl

Keeps you reminded

Helps you to remember where you come from

Right away, the first verse (especially the first half) just speaks to me. For those unfamiliar with the term, "tells" in this sense refers to any identifiers (generally physical) used to establish that someone is transgender. Things like broad shoulders, larger hands/feet, square jaw, Adam's apple, lack of hips, voice... these are the things I struggle with every day. Hearing another transwoman singing about how she struggles with the same issues was such a refreshing thing for me, the first time I heard this song. It still helps, when things are getting rougher.

You want them to notice

The ragged ends of your summer dress

You want them to see you

Like they see any other girl

They just see a faggot

They hold their breath not to catch the sick

Rough surf on the coast

I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you

The chorus ("rough surf...") isn't the strongest. The bridge leading into it, though, is so powerful, especially with the strength and anger in Laura Jane Grace's delivery. When I first heard this, the only thought in my mind was, holy shit - someone else GETS it! I wanted them to see the pretty dresses. The cute boots. The makeup that I struggled so hard with. In my head, though, (and often enough, in their words and actions) they didn't see the woman in me. They saw a guy in a dress. Someone to ridicule and shame. It makes me angry that, three years later, I still feel the same, more often than not.

You've got no cunt in your strut

You've got no hips to shake

And you know it's obvious

But we can't choose how we're made

The second verse is my favorite part of the song. To me, it's such a simple yet strong reminder that regardless of the tells, regardless of the dysphoria, there needs to be a sense of acceptance that I didn't have a say in what body I was given. I can, however, do something about it. I can do everything in my power to be the woman I was meant to be, regardless of the physical and emotional roadblocks placed in my path.

This song has been so incredibly important to me over the last three years. Any time I start to think about the masculinity of my body, the progress I lost while I was off my hormones for most of 2019, I will play this song to help me remember that it's all just part of the process. Any time someone gives me shit about my identity, I'll play this to refuel that angry defiant woman inside me. There are certainly other songs that help on both of these fronts. There are sadly few others that can do both at once.